A Rollercoaster of The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

This is my second month of charting BBT and 7th month using opks. I figured this pregnancy thing was going to be pretty easy. Hah!! I quickly learned that the female body has a lot more tricks up her sleeves than I was lead on to believe. All those years on b/c pills, not knowing that DH and I would have a long journey of ups and downs throughout the months of ttc. It's funny how you spend all that time NOT trying to get pregnant, and then one day getting pregnant consumes your life. It's instantly becomes this conquest: everything you live for, breathe, and think about!

Despite this process being frustrating at times, joining forums like "baby center" has been a great way to vent and talk to women who are experiencing the same thing. And although we are all strangers, we quickly formed this incredible bond. These women are a great support system other. Even though I share these intimate details with my immediate family and closest friends, they don't always know what it feels like to want something so badly. It's hard sometimes hearing, "Relax." or "It'll happen when the time is right." That's when you feel like saying, okay, more like screaming..."When will it be my turn?!"

I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

DH and I started ttc back in June of 2010. All was optimistic and hopes were high. Boy, were we naive. I mean, it seemed easy, right? How hard was it? All we had to do was time baby dancing right? Our best friends got pregnant the first month! Well, after a few months of very long 41 day cycles, I started to get the gut feeling that this was not going to be easy for us. I went to my ob/gyn in August and the dreaded response from my doctor was that I needed to give it a full year and try to be more patient. Well, one more month of patience, and I wasn't going to sit around and wait for nothing to happen. I know my body, and I sensed that I'd need a little help. That's when I went back to the ob/gyn in Oct. and was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I won't get into details behind it because all the hormones and physiology of it all is quite confusing. Basically, I had cysts around my ovaries, which the nurse described as beautiful. To paraphrase: "Oooh! How pretty! Your ovaries look like a 'string of pearls.'" Come to find out, not ten min. later from my doctor, that this is in fact a bad sign--that I'd have difficulty becoming pregnant. Apparently, someone needs to inform the nurse of PCOS. I also learned that my blood work came back normal, except that I had high estrogen. This meant that I wasn't ovulating. And if you don't ovulate, you don't release that "golden" egg to allow the sperm to fertilize it.

Wow. That was a shot to the soul. I felt like all the love of potentially experiencing motherhood was sucking the life out of me. I felt like my heart broke into a million pieces and I didn't have any control! If you knew me, you'd know how much I need control in my life. To say that I can be a little OCD with organization and cleaning would be an understatement if you asked my husband. I'm also a teacher, so you know how controlling teachers can be too. Truly, we have to be for the most part. Kids need structure and routine, which is what we as adults need too in our lives.

I know now how dramatic this all may sound, especially if you're been diagnosed with PCOS yourself, then you probably feel like you can already call yourself a doctor, that is, if you use webmd and such. Lol. But at the time of hearing this news, I was absolutely devastated. First thing I did: cry all the way to work. Probably should have taken the day off, but sometimes going to work makes you forget about life's problems. It was a temporary distraction. Second thing I did as soon as I had time to think about it again: google PCOS like crazy! I had to find out almost everything there was to know about it.

In the end, I found out that 10% of women are diagnosed with PCOS and it doesn't mean you're infertile or can't have kids. I learned that I'd just need a little help from fertility meds like metformin and clomid. The meds definitely helped and the results were positive. I went from 41 day cycles to 32 day cycles! That was exciting.

There's almost always a BUT. After a few more months of BFN Hpts, I was beginning to feel defeated again. I hadn't found the perfect amount of miracle drugs or the quick fix that I had anticipated at this point. I was ready to see an RE (reproductive endocronologist), otherwise known as a fertility specialist.

Currently, that's where my DH and I are. We went through this past cycle without any clomid (stayed on metformin) and we both had lots of testing done. I had my HSG (funny story for another day), CD3 utltrasound, and a couple of rounds of bloodwork done. It all sounds overwhelming at first, but all of this actually meant we were steps closer to getting answers, and more importantly, conceiving.

DH and I are keeping our fingers crossed that this month we actually won't have to do anymore testing or take meds. I got my +opk, my temps look great at 7 DPO, and it'd be such a beautiful gift to have a BFP on Valentine's Day (when AF is due). Here's a pic of my +opk on the right (day after my hubby's birthday). Such an exciting day! Plus, they say your chances of getting pregnant after having an HSG is much higher.

Stay tuned to symptoms over the next week, the second half of the dreaded 2 ww. I say dreaded because remember, usually the second half is scary for women with fertility issues. If the BBTs start going downhill, which the tend to do during this time if the egg isn't fertilized and progesterone levels fall. That means that ugly AF is on her way. In these instances, I wish my uterus had a sign that said "Closed" or "Wrong way. Turn around the go back!"

Guilty Confession: DH and I went "browsing" through baby stores this weekend and bought some stickers to start a baby scrapbook to chronicle the nine months of pregnancy, when in fact I do become pregnant. We're just so excited..we can't help it. Needless to say, after all the bad news, comes good news eventually. We're praying for our little miracle and little pumpkin. Our EDD is October 24th if we conceive this month. I pray we'll experiencen the joy of parenthood soon...